Tuesday's Jokes

Good morning folks... yup it's a Tuesday morning!! In these modern day and time, we all tend to stress on watching what we eat... keeping healthy and fit and of course having that svelte body toned and well shaped. A friend sent me this so I would like to share this with you and hope it would help in gaining a healthier you... as people also say that laughter is the best medicine too!!

Today's Clean Laugh -"Help Line"... It's clear why these people needed to call a "help" line....

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phonebox told a worried operator:"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

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Subject: Move a bit, please....

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia, that is - making love to a dead woman. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!" The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;

2. She was my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

So ladies please try to move a little during the game!!

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These should bring a smile to your face....

Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and walls..........

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,

Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit Broken hearted

Tried to shit But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote...

You're lucky You had your chance

I tried to fart, And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets...

I came here To shit and stink,

But all I doIs sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think,

Some come here to shit and stink,

But I come here to scratch my balls ,

And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space...

(written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement:
We aim to please!

You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...

(Sign seen at a restaurant)

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

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Mid-week joke.....LEGAL & LOGICAL

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it...
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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Who's the Boss?

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

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